Walking through the Dark

As I continue my slow, meandering, trek through Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor I continue to think about what is different about this reading. Why does this book seem comforting now instead of disjointed like it did 10 years ago?

As I mentioned, I have spent so much time in the metaphorical darkness within me. My faith has unraveled. It is no longer held together with certainties, but rather loosely held with a sense that there is God “because there can not not be God because I just know it” and not much more. My prayers are said in my breathing, the moments of stillness, through tears and when I am awake for awhile at 2am. There is not asking God of things but more just being and acknowledging God. I love the words of the Bible-they are familiar, like a home I go back to seek comfort, even though I feel like I no longer really fit there. Jesus’s teachings are a great guide for the choices I make, but I no longer have shaped Jesus to be a kind benevolent son of God but rather an emotional, loving son of God who needs rest, experiences darkness, and feels anger. And the cross and virgin birth-no idea of what to make of either of those.

When I was a young (kid and college aged), I went to a camp. First I was a camper and then a counselor. It was there I really made peace with the literal darkness of night. Our camp had no electricity in the cabins. We would light lanterns (with mantles that would burst into flame if it was done wrong) to illuminate our cabins at night. Once everyone was settled, the lantern would be extinguished with “whoomp” and we watch the mantles glow like eyes until they were eventually dark. Walks to the bathroom involved flashlights, or in my case, feeling your way through the dark towards the lit bathroom in the distance.

I prided myself on not having a flashlight-not as camper and not in the two years I spent there as a counselor. I prided myself on the barefoot walks across roots and paths to the bathroom. I walked until my eyes adjusted to the darkness and all of a sudden it wasn’t as dark due to the moonlight or starlight or ambient light trapped by clouds. Occasionally I would stub toes, but most of the time I enjoyed the darkness that enveloped me and using more of my senses to be present in the dark woods and root addled paths.

It was at this camp we would go on night hikes to campouts after our evening fireside-again lit only by lanterns or flashlights, which I did not have. I did not mind bringing up the end of the line of girls, more cloaked in darkness than the front of the line. I haven’t done a night hike like this in over 30 years, yet I can still remember the feelings and trail vividly of walking to Tabernacle Ridge or the Treehouse to campout.

With the younger kids or if there was a chance of rain, we weren’t always as ambitious for the campout. We would drag our sleeping bags to the rec (wreck? we joked) field. In this open field, we could see lights in the distance illuminating places such as the bathhouse or the nurses office, but the darkness was all around us. We weren’t protected by walls or a roof. We laid our sleeping bags (no sleeping mats friends-this was the 80’s/early 90’s) on the ground and slept looking at the milky way above us-watching the clouds move across the night sky and hoping for maybe a shooting star.

I miss this sort of darkness-this aloneness in a group when you are surrounded my physical night. This darkness I find much more comforting than the darkness I feel surrounded by most of the time. I feel not so different than when I felt my way to the bathhouse. I knew it was there if I just headed into the right direction. I feel like that’s similar with God right now. I know God is there, God has always been there, I have no reason to suspect God won’t be there, but more often than not, it is by faith that I am walking towards God. I stumble occasionally and feel surrounded by the darkness. It isn’t as comfortable yet as the physical darkness was, but it is slowly becoming more so. It’s been a long time now since I haven’t been in the darkness so I am starting to lean into more occasionally and look for things that are there in darkness that I couldn’t notice because of the light.

It’s Always Advent

Advent gets me every year. It brings me back to writing and sends thoughts swirling in my head. It’s the music, the lights, the darkness, the decoration, and the events It’s looking towards the end of the calendar year and the beginning of the liturgical.

This year is no different. I sing the Messiah in rehearsal and the carols in church. My soul soars as I listen to one of the most exquisite choirs perform I have ever heard in my life. I play my Spotify playlists–one for any mood from traditional hymns to Russian pieces to Jewel belting out O Holy Night.

Yet every year, when Advent comes along sadness accompanies it.

In church yesterday, I heard (maybe for real, maybe just in my head, maybe I am just confusing the things I’ve heard) about Advent being the place of paradoxes…of waiting and anticipating and of stillness and preparation, amongst other things. I feel like I am sitting in that place. This year, I am searching for hope every where I can find it. I look at the twinkling lights and the brilliant morning sunrises as I am in my last year of driving a kid to soccer practice (the youngest will be driving by next year at this time). I savor the time talking to him in the car, knowing that will be fewer and fewer. I hold my middle child especially close this year. He leaves soon….he graduates in June, and then, hopefully (there’s that word again), heads to college in the fall. I anticipate my oldest finishing up finals and coming home by the weekend, knowing that the level of energy in our house will increase five fold with her return.

I received in email yesterday from my daughter’s school about a death of a student who took her own life (those details weren’t share but emerged quickly). My daughter knew who she was–she lived in the same dorm campus as my daughter. It was the first day of finals. And this student extinguished her own light. My heart broke as I thought about the other students, the student’s family, and the student herself.

Hope was gone. Peace is not to be found for those who knew and love her still. Her dance has been stilled.

No amount of twinkle lights or Christmas songs can break through that darkness.

To me that’s Advent–trying to maintain hope for the love of God to mend the world while holding gently in our hands that broken world. Anticipation that God’s love may finally be enough, while reading the news and weeping at the images I scroll past of wars around the world and hatred between people here. Yearning for everyone to experience and share that love for themselves and others while watching our culture become more about ourselves and less about our neighbors and shared community.

Some days, that hope is enough. Other days, it seems like it is just too long in coming.

Light in the Darkness

It’s been a weepy Advent for me.

I glanced back through my December archives.  Maybe every Advent is weepy.  However, not so.  This year I seem particularly emotional.

It’s strange.  Every year I “opt out” of more and more of the Advent events.  The Jesse Tree was the first to go, three years back.  Much more got dropped last year as I went back to teaching.  This year, even more has fallen to the side.  No Jesse Tree, no Advent devotional, no Sunday night Advent candle lighting.  We won’t even talk about all my prior other Christmas preparations that I shed this year (let’s just say that the first thing on the list to go without much guilt rhymes with Mistmas Shards).

This is my weepy year.  Is the opting out related the tears that seem to be right below the surface?  I don’t really think so.

This year, my tears are not necessarily coming from stress and exhaustion (although that may have a little something to do with it).  It all started a few weeks before Advent on that first really cold snap of the fall.  It was after church and a church family needed their car jumped.  We laughed with the family as they related how the first people they asked for help declined because they may be late for church.  As Curtis was helping jump their car, a homeless woman walked up to us, asking for a blanket.  It took us a bit, but we realized we had a blanket in our car from a soccer game the day before.  We gave her the thin fleece blanket.  We left church somber.  We felt inadequate.  We gave her so little on that cold, cold morning.  The blanket would do little to keep her warm.  Yet she was so grateful. It was more than what she had.

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 As I have listened to hatred spill out of the news reports, I have cringed.  As another shooting is announced and the victims names are read, I have cried.  I read the Humans of New York’s series on Syrian refugees and weep more.  I weep for the people who are caught in between.  I weep for those who have so much fear that they think anyone who is different is dangerous.  The list is endless.  The world seems so dark and wrong.

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The difference this year from a year or two ago is that I am allowing myself to see the world without cynicism.  The first Sunday of Advent, Sarah Bessey reminded me that I could have hope despite the darkness.  I could weep the darkness.  Instead of writing the world off as hopeless and impossible, I seeing that around me as a sign of my need for God.

Winter is a dark time.  There is a reason many different cultures have festivals of light in this darkest season of the year.  Not only does the light make the darkness seem not quite so dark, the light illuminates that which is in the darkness.  Those things that lurk in the shadows and in the depths of nastiness can be seen in the presence of just a little bit of light.  The glimmer of light allows our eyes to adjust to the darkness, and see the edges of that around us.  The light allows me to see those with not enough and give without conditions, without worrying that a gift is too extravagant or may be misused.  It lets me see that all around me are many others carrying lights as well, some glowing brightly illuminating their surrounds clearly and others like me, who hold a small candle who can just barely see the edges.  I realize that those who need a little bit of compassion also carry a light– despite the world trying desperately to extinguish it because they are too poor or the wrong color or the wrong religion.

And so, as I start holding my light and looking around, I cry.  I cry for the students I have who can’t pay their $4.50 for a field trip.  I cry for the students who inform that their mother says they are dumb and can’t learn.  I cry for the homeless woman who is cold again tonight, because my thin blanket can’t possibly keep her warm.  I cry for those who are victims of gun violence–both this year and years ago.  I cry for those who live in war zones, who didn’t ask to have to flee their homes, who didn’t ask to become refugees.

I cry because this year, I have given up cynicism for hope.  I have given up cynicism for attempting to love my neighbor-the neighbor I know and the stranger whose name I don’t know.  I have given up cynicism for peace.  I hope I can replace the cynicism for joy.

Come thou long expected, Jesus.  Even the playing field.  Give rest to the weary.  Comfort those that mourn.  And let me learn how to shine my light a little bit brighter.

My Favorite Things

This has been a wonderful summer.  You’ve heard about why I love road trips, about taking a break church, and that I am reading again.  More than that, this summer my children are 6, 8, and 10 years old and, as I always suspected, I absolutely love this age.

You know how when you first have that baby it gets a little confusing about what is age appropriate?  For at least the first five years of my children’s lives (especially the first born’s) we bought a lot of toys that were too advanced for them.  We signed them up for activities they we maybe should have waited a year or two to do.  We wanted to take them to things they just couldn’t sit through or appreciate.  In short, we wanted them to be 6, 8, and 10 from about the time they were two.

This summer, though.  Wow.  This summer, friends, has been fabulous.  My kids are finally old enough to do so many of those things I’ve wanted to do with them for years.  It has been worth the wait and self-restraint.

This summer:

Madeleine and I went to a book signing by a local author (who happened to have her previous book win a Newbery Honor).  We listened to her talk about being an author and read from her new book.  Afterwords, we hung out at the downtown bookstore a while and perused the children’s section.  I loved sharing this with her.

Also, I was able to share a bit of foodie times with Madeleine as well.  We went out for lunch at Hillside Farmacy and had a great time (and loved the food).

With all the kids, we explored Austin.  We didn’t do a ton of Austin things with my kids when they were younger.  I would have liked to have done more, but I just couldn’t find things they all wanted to do other than parks, swimming pools and the children’s museum.  This summer we explored new neighborhoods in our fine city.  We learned about Moontowers, explored creeks and bridges, returned to parks we went to when the kids were little, but don’t remember, and found some new to us places.  I used geocaching as a way to get us moving around.  I would look in areas where we wanted to go to see if there were caches.  Many times, there was background information in the geocache description that shared history with us.  While at times, the kids got annoyed at this, they enjoyed it as well, especially when there was SWAG in the geocache to trade (for more information, check out geocaching.com).

We started reading the Harry Potter series this summer.  We had tried and suggested Harry Potter earlier, but Madeleine was totally disinterested and John found the first chapter too scary.  This summer we tried again and Madeleine and John were hooked!  The first three books we read aloud, listening to parts of all three of them on our road trip (yay to getting books on CD from the public library!!).  We are currently taking a break from Harry for John.  Madeleine is reading Book 4 independently, and then she will take a break.  We found that the books take a bit of jump in the last three books with more Harry angst.  We would like both kids to enjoy and understand the deeper meanings (not just the words), so we’re waiting a year to continue.

Additionally, we are slowly introducing some of those movies we loved as kids.  This summer, we watched the Princess Bride as a family for the very first time.  While the boys were understandably scared about parts, other parts they loved.  Madeleine proceeded to load it on her iPad for our road trip and I believe she has the “Marriage is what brings us, together, today, memorized.  She and a friend were quoting it at Vacation Bible School later in the summer.  Passing the torch is fun.

Madeleine has been old enough this summer to arrange meeting friends at the pool and getting herself there.  She had her first long telephone conversation this summer as well.  Her burgeoning independence is fun to watch.  Both she and I have been a bit giddy about her organizing her summer schedule.   Once again, it makes me so thankful for the wonderful neighborhood we live in.

It’s been a wonderful summer.  Don’t get me wrong, there have been the normal summer issues…sibling fighting, occasionally losing a kid (really, not a big deal), and constantly needing to keep the kids fed (although, I am happy to have totally given up responsibility of snacks and breakfast.  They’re old enough to manage those things themselves).  I’m sad to see it go this week.  Next summer will be different–my kids won’t ever be this age again.  But I am sure, that next summer, the kids will have new interests for us to explore and there will be more things we can do together for the very first time.

Thoughts from a Road Trip

We are a road tripping kind of family.  Some families fly to exotic locations around the world, some go to the nearby coast several times a summer, some go on two or three week long road trips.  For the past six years, we’ve been the long road trip type.

I know the first couple of questions that follow.  How do you get that much time off of work?  Well, being a teacher, I have summers.  My husband usually only does one direction of the road trip and the other direction he gets to fly home.  The second question is,  Doesn’t that cost a lot of money?  We tent camp our way through our road trip–one our last road trip we paid for hotels 2 nights out of 14.  That’s quite affordable.  The last question I hear is, “How do you stand so much time in the car with each?”  Books on tape.  This summer, it was the first two books of Harry Potter.  The kids get a couple of hours of screen time each long day in the car and the grownups listen to podcasts or music during that time.  The rest of the time, we talk, play games, be silly and drive the parents crazy, sleep, or fight. (Yeah, sometimes I think my kids fight for sheer entertainment purposes).

This summer’s road trip was to the Central California Coast (including Big Sur area) by way of Mesa Verde National Park and the Grand Canyon.  Curtis drove out with us, and then the kids and I drove home, stopping at the Red Rock area of Arizona and Albuquerque to pick up my niece on the way.  We saw some amazing things on our trip and the many, many miles gave me plenty of time to ruminate.  What follows are some thoughts jotted on a paper towel from the trip home.

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When I drive through Eastern New Mexico and West Texas, I need things to keep my mind occupied.  This trip, I turned to Krista Tippett’s On Being Podcast.  I listened to three podcasts interviewing Jean Vanier, founder of the L’Arche Community for adults with cognitive limitations, Mary Oliver, a poet, and Pico Iyer, a writer and contemplative.  While I enjoyed listening to the Mary Oliver interview with Madeleine and discussing things writers do and I found the Jean Vanier interview beautiful, it was the Pico Iyer interview that got me thinking.

I had never heard of Pico Iyer before and know very little about him currently other than Tippett’s interview.  He talked with Tippett about stillness, traveling/vacation, and everyday life.  All things appealed to me as we were on our last day of a two week vacation.  After two weeks of vacation, one may think I was exhausted and stressed.  While I was a bit exhausted, I was also more relaxed and at ease than I had been in a long time.  Hours and hours of driving through the desert (so much desert between here and the Pacific Coast) encouraged stillness and stillness energizes me.

We weren’t totally unplugged on our trip, but there stretches of days were we had very limited cell service and no internet/texting.  I have decided any good vacation needs a few days of being unplugged.  Pico Iyer talked about why he chose the simple lifestyle in Japan.  Unplugging from modern technology gains us more time.  Time savers cost us a lot of time.  This seemed more true to me in the rolling New Mexican hills than it has other times.  For two weeks, we lived with what could fit in our car and our cooler.  What we could carry with us was enough (and trust me, it was a lot!).  I wondered how much all this stuff I have at my house weighs me down as we go through everyday life.  When I think of how much time I spent managing my “stuff” at home, I realized how much more time I would have if I had less.  Jen Hatmaker’s book, 7, came to mind.  A small group of us had tried her 7 experiment for awhile this summer (we didn’t make it the whole way through…).  However, living out of our car for two weeks was a better lesson than any of the things we had contrived.

How do I carry this over into my everyday life?  How can I cultivate stillness amidst soccer practices, piano lessons, working full time, and just everyday life maintenance?  This isn’t that different than being still while on vacation with children. There wasn’t a lot of sitting still.  Stillness doesn’t just come from not moving.  Stillness comes when quietly exploring a new beach with a child.  Stillness comes when walking quietly across a river on a log in the middle of a redwood forest.  Stillness comes when wondering how in the world wood became fossilized and crystals formed in the middle of logs.  Stillness comes when hiking the Grand Canyon with a very, very unhappy loud child and still noticing how the view changed with every few steps.  Stillness comes when sitting at a campsite while kids climb trees, play in creeks, or build structures out of sticks and rocks.

This is the dogtrot homestead we found less than five miles from our house, surrounded by office buildings, busy highways, and railroad tracks. Amazing!

Stillness comes from being present in the world around us.  To cultivate stillness amidst my life, I need to create space to be present–to marvel over the unique personalities and gifts my students at school bring to our classroom.  I need to continue to explore Austin and the surrounding areas with my children, finding splash pads at far away soccer practice fields, hidden 1800’s era homesteads in the midst of an urban area, eating good food with others who appreciate it as well.  I can cultivate stillness by making time for a 45 minute walk with the dog and maybe the littlest (on his bike) to remind me of the world I am rooted in.  I need to let go of worrying about schedules and how things will work out.  I will figure it out.  The kid will make it to practice.  And if the kid needs to miss one or two practices or games, it is not the end of the world.

I loved driving through Northern New Mexico and Arizona.  While the landscape at times seemed flat, most of the time we were at almost a mile high elevation or higher.  The sky seemed closer and the clouds didn’t feel as distant.   The horizon was vast, often without much evidence of humans, leaving space.  In that area, I always feel there is room for stillness and quiet.  I feel like I am vitally a part of the world around me, insignificant in the vastness.  This is not a bad thing.

According to Pico Iyer, “We don’t travel to move, we travel to be moved.”  As I enter the end of vacation and the beginning of a new school year, I hope I can find things that move me and cultivate stillness until our next road trip.

Coming to the Table

If ever I decide to leave the church entirely, I need to be reminded of three things.  1) The fruits of the spirit, in particularly set to songs from the 1980’s kids musical, The Music Machine.  2). The hymns my grandparents loved.  3). Bread and wine.

While I could recite song after song from both The Music Machine and old hymns, it’s the infusion of food into the Christian faith that roots me to Jesus.  Bread and wine.

I wish I had something deep and insightful to say about breaking the bread and pouring the wine, but I can think of countless authors who can say it much more eloquently then I can. Shana Niequist in Bread and Wine:  A Love Letter to Life Around the Table, Sara Miles in Take This Bread, and Rachel Held Evans in Searching for Sunday.

Instead, I think of holy moments in my life, so many of which contained bread and/or wine.  I remember distinctly my first time at family camp.  It was a cold February weekend in which the camp directors learned how to plan for rain.  The last service of the weekend was communion.  We had a wonderful weekend and decided we wanted to do family camp again and again and again.  However, my most vivid memory of the weekend was the food–not only the moving, prayerful communion service at the end, but also the meals which were felt so extravagant.  We felt so loved and ministered to by the meals that were made for us.

Once a month (or what is a goal for once a month but has lately been once a quarter)’ two girlfriends and I go out for dinner.  These meals almost always contain bread and wine, but we do not bless the meal using our church words or eat in remembrance to God.  Instead, those meals are a time of confessing our humanity, with lots of laughter thrown in the deliver grace to each other.  Though we are just three, we are also church to each other.  We order food communally, pass plates around, and share sips of wines from each other’s glasses. We also get to try out restaurants we’ve been wanting to go to that our husbands may not enjoy so much.  It is holy.

It’s the meals I remember about trips.  The large post wedding family brunches that I remember even better than the formal rehearsal dinner.  The sung blessings, in four part harmony that reminds me that food is a part of my Christian faith.

Maybe this all my justification for loving food and being a foodie.  However, food is one thing I have in common with every single human throughout the world.  I need food to survive.  I find ways to season my foods–salt, fresh herbs, fresh vegetables, a splash of lemon or lime, just like everyone else seasons food to add a little extra flavor.

Can I say I am a Christian because of food?  Is that allowed?  Because I am.  Nothing moves me like a shared meal or a well written chapter (or book) about communion.   Food is more than about me.  I don’t remember those meals I’ve eaten all by myself (except for a few really tasty lobster rolls or sunny side up egg sandwiches).  It’s eating with others, sharing stories around a table, laughing, serving one another. Food reminds me how to love my neighbor (casseroles after a baby is born) and that I can’t wait for perfection (extravagant hospitality can also happen in a not magazine worthy house).

And before anyone worries unnecessarily about me, I am not saying that food trumps Jesus’s resurrection, the unfathomable Grace of God, or the mysteries of the Holy Spirit.  Food, the shared meal of bread and wine, is the frequent everyday reminder of the wonders of the Holy Trinity.

Let us lift up our hearts.  We lift them up to the Lord.
Thanks be to God.

Buzz Lightyear

I tried to get rid of Buzz Lightyear on Monday.

I couldn’t do it.

Buzz made it into the box of toys for Goodwill.  None of the kids had even looked at Buzz in the past several years.  He was vanquished to a bin on the bottom shelf and hung out in the dark with other forgotten toys for years.  When I was cleaning Isaac’s room, I came across Buzz.  I put him into the Goodwill stack.  I loaded said box into the car later that morning, drove to Goodwill, and deposited the box (with Buzz) in the massive donation bin.  I glanced back as I walked back to my car.  I couldn’t do it.  I turned around quickly, apologized to the Goodwill worker, snatched Buzz out of the donation bin, and returned him to the front seat of my car.

While it may sound otherwise, this isn’t a story about how I prevented Toy Story 3 from happening in my house.

This spring, our Sunday School class, studied Jen Hatmaker’s 7: An Experimental Excess against Mutiny.  You need to know this about our Sunday School class, we don’t read books.  Most of our series involve a video and study guide.  If there is outside reading, we skip it.  It’s just how we roll.  We worked through her videos and her study guide questions, discussing the seven areas of her life she fasted from for a month each.  We compacted the study from 9 Sundays into 7, and then the study was over.

Expect it wasn’t.  A couple of the women of our class decided that the class was just an introduction to fasting.  They wanted to experience a bit of the fast Hatmaker challenged us to in the study guide (but that we ignored).  A Facebook group was started, modifications were made to take into account summer vacations, and the group of men and women were off.

First, we fasted from food.  While none of us did a traditional fast, we all found fasts to fit our lives.  Our family decided not to buy any new groceries for an entire week in an attempt to experience running out of money at the end of the month.  I was more creative with cooking than I hoped to be the last week of school, but I had no problem keeping our family fed off of what was in our pantry and freezer.  However, more conversations were had around the dinner table and we discussed what life is like for some families in our school.  As a follow-up, we are going shopping for food for a neighborhood food pantry before the end of the summer.

The second two week segment, we fasted from clothing (we only fasted for one of those weeks).  I chose 7 pieces of clothing to wear for one week.  I am sure those other people at swim practice were wondering by the end of the week if I was wearing the same shirt every single day (I did).  The children didn’t participate in this one with us, but we discussed it as a family and decided to take money from our clothing budget to buy a super mosquito net for malaria prevention in Africa.

Which brings me to this segment–possessions.  In the possession process, I have gone thoroughly through rooms looking for things we can part with.  The goal was seven things per room, but it averaged out more to twenty (or more) things per room.  I went through almost every kitchen cabinet, kids’ drawers and closets, my drawers and closet, the laundry room, and anywhere else I could think of.  I purged things and organized.  My desk looks the best it’s looked in years–so does my pantry.  I sorted my stuff I was getting rid 0f–A Half Price Books pile, one for Goodwill, and one for the Freestore.

I got rid of lots and lots of stuff.  However, to look at my house, no one could tell I had just given away more than 100 things.  A few spaces look less cluttered, but more because I cleaned deeply than because I have significantly less.  It’s only after getting rid of what felt like a lot did I realize exactly how much I had.  I could probably go through each space again and find 100 more things to purge.

Why do I have so much?  Why do I keep so much?  What pulls on me the most about my possessions?

Which brings me back to where I started–dropping Buzz off at the Goodwill donation site.  My weakness is being able to part with things that I am not using.  I have a box of baby clothes that I am saving longterm for each child, until I get around to making them into a quilt.  I have a bin in the top of John’s closet with baby and toddler toys and books, just in case (not of another child for us, but all the other just in cases).  I have train tracks and roads boxed up, along with the Play Mobile castle so that some day, my grandchildren may have toys to play with at my house.

And then’s there Buzz.  Buzz is a symbol of my children’s preschool years.  Those years, which I thought would never end, are over.  I left Buzz on the couch where he was briefly admired and played with before disappearing back into John’s room.  Buzz plus the pictures and videos are all that are left of John as a three year old.  By holding onto Buzz, I get to keep just a glimpse of who John was way back then.

My children are growing up.  Quickly.  Over and over this summer we’ve had new firsts that have heralded greater independence and less restrictive schedules.  For the first time, Madeleine and friends were allowed to explore Schlitterbahn without me.  For the first time, Madeleine would call friends on the phone and arrange to meet them at the pool.  For the first time, we stayed up late enough for fireworks on the Fourth of July.

So I am keeping Buzz a little bit longer.  I’m not ready to let him go yet.  I’ve loved this summer with my kids–they’re mostly so much fun and we’ve enjoyed exploring together.  I love the elementary ages (I am getting glimpses of the middle school years already, and I must admit, I am scared).

Buzz Lightyear gets to stay though.  At least for awhile.

Skipping Church

I’ll just say it straight out.

I’m having a hard time going to church right now.  Seriously hard, like I’ve never really had hard time before.  All those years in college, I went to church without much problem.  True, I’d go spurts without going to church, but it wasn’t accompanied by feelings.  Those two years I dated the long-haired, hippie, agnostic social worker I went to church, in fact it was during that time I found the church that would lead me to my husband.

Now.

Now.

Not so much church.  I feel guilty.  Mounds and mounds of guilt.  What sort of example am I setting for my kids, especially since one in particular vehemently protests church on the Sundays we go?

I just can’t though.  I blame it on going back to work.  I started needing Sundays for Sabbath–a brief morning of not getting people dressed and out the door for something.  I needed a day that wasn’t full of “should’s” or “need to’s.”  It started with a missing a Sunday or so a month here and there.  May came and since then, we’ve been twice.  I now make it to church a Sunday or so a month.  A few of the Sundays I spent doing school work.  Two of those Sundays we were out of town.  Another Sunday I went on a glorious bike ride in the cool morning along a creek valley.  Last Sunday we went to a state park and played in waterfalls, a lovely pool of water mostly to ourselves.  They have been wonderful Sundays:  Sundays full of family, being outside, and slowing down.

I haven’t missed church at all. And I feel terribly guilty about this.  There is more guilt surrounding the not the missing church than the fact we haven’t been going to church.

Church had a become a struggle.  By the time Sunday school came around (after worship) I found myself combative and argumentative.  I was tired and worn down from the week and getting everyone in the car for church.

I’ve read the articles how church isn’t about me.  It’s about serving others and worshiping God.  The point is not “what I get out of church,” rather it is what I can contribute.  I’ve been doing “it’s not about me” for years now.  I can’t do it any more.  For years, I looked for things to hold on to and contribute to, but one by one, I’ve felt those things drifting away, whether it was programming changes or simply being tired of making the 45 minute rush hour drive to evening activities.

It’s trickier though, this taking a break from church thing, these days than it was eleven or thirteen years ago.  With children, I worry about how I am scarring my kids and hurting their future relationship with God.  With Curtis, I worry about working through this process together.  This pulling away isn’t just about me, it’s about all five of us.  How do you visit new churches with kids in tow?  How do you find a place where everyone will fit in when all five of you have different needs?  How do you figure out the difference between a church’s website and “programs” and the actual church?

The truth of that matter is this, despite it being a rough five years (not without gloriously bright spots), we aren’t ready to completely leave our church.  Those ties are so strong–meeting Curtis, marrying, baptizing our children, and discovering some of our best friends all within the walls of that church.  History  and sentimentality creates a tight knot to wiggle our way out of.

In the midst of this spring and my pulling away, I started reading Rachel Held Evans’s new book, searching for sunday:  loving, leaving, and finding the church.  While this book didn’t cause my separation, it has reassured me in the separation.  Sunday resounds with me, because like Evans, I love church, I still identify as Christian, I still love learning more about God, Jesus, and exploring my faith.  While her story differs from mine, unlike Evans, it is not a difference of theological beliefs that pulls me away, it was a relief to read her words about needing to leave a good, nurturing church who brought you casseroles when someone had a baby or was sick.  Sometimes, it’s ok to take a break.  Sometimes it’s ok to stop trying.

I need permission to stop trying now.  I need forgiveness for the judgmental thoughts I had when others stopped going to church.  I need to grace to surround me as I struggle to believe I am still beloved of God even if I am not doing what the Christian establishment (versus God) tells me I need to do.

We’ll continue to take our break this summer.  We’ll continue to breathe deeply fresh air on Sunday mornings, sing God’s praises as I bike along creek valleys or watch my children frolic in water falls.  We’ll continue to meet with our small groups to figure out how God is urging us to grow and raise our children in ways that are more congruent with the life of Jesus.  We just may not show up on Sunday morning much.

When it’s time, we’ll be back at our church or we will figure out a church that is a better home for us.  It’s not time for that yet.  For now, it’s time for Sabbath rest, for being with family, for not fighting battles, and for being refreshed from a year full of changes.

Summertime!

Well, so much for my New Year’s resolution to blog once a month. Here it is June, and I haven’t blogged since March.  Interesting thing is though, somewhere in April, I lost the need to write.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometime in March or April, I finally started adapting to this working full time thing.  I equate the whole process to the stereotypical freshman year of college.

I still remember from over 20 years ago hearing people warn me that the first semester of college is rough, especially if you left your hometown.  Hang in there for a whole year, people told me, because it takes at least a semester to get settled in.  I fell back on that wise advice over and over this past year.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy my first semester of teaching this year–I did!  It was full of thrills and excitement and sheer adrenaline from this wild jump I took.  However, I found myself missing my former life a lot–trying to carry over as much of the old as possible into this new adventure.  By the middle of the spring semester though, I started to set down the burden of my prior years at home.  Those things I tried to hold on to “maintain who I was,” I no longer needed.  It was ok to have freezer to oven meal every once in a while–I didn’t have to cook something from scratch every single night.  I didn’t need to bake in any free moment I had.  And, I didn’t need to write to keep my voice and creativity.  I was finding a new voice in teaching and creativity in lesson plans.  I walked away from this blog, briefly, because I didn’t really need it for my survival.

With all that said, I am back!  It’s summer time now and I have more time in my day to choose what I want to do.  In my short week and a half of summer vacation, I’ve baked blueberry muffins multiple times, slowly drank coffee, pinned recipes for blueberry jam (and not freezer jam at that), ordered 30 lbs of tomatoes for processing, seen my brother married (yippee!!), and have sat down to write.  I feel sweet and glorious freedom of planning my days.    I lay in bed this morning and debated working on the kids picture albums over the summer.  I have even managed to go on my first bike ride since October (which feels like an eternity ago).

On my first blog post in month, I wanted to do an edition of What I’m Into–School Year (and first two weeks of summer vacay) Books Edition.  We’ll see what I can remember!  This may get long…  Pull up a chair and let me help you with your summer reading.

Books

All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doeer.  I read this in the midst of other books about WWII.  This one hung with me longer than some of the others.  It takes a slightly different bend than many of the books I read in that it began in Paris, France and the protagonist was a blind French girl.  At the same time, a parallel story was that of a young German soldier, who didn’t necessarily buy into the Nazi Germany propaganda.   It was an amazing story.

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie  I just finished this book and it was amazing.  I had heard about it a year ago from the SheLoves book club and decided I wasn’t interested in it.  Since then, it popped up on my radar over and over and over.  A month or so ago, I started perusing the online summer guide reads and saw this book on at least three lists.  So, I decided maybe it was time.  Incredible.  It’s a bit of a hard read at times because Adiche talks about racism in the US.  There’s more on my thoughts on that later, because I’ve realized over the past year how being “color-blind” about race can be harmful as well (because it doesn’t let us see the blatant racism that runs rampant in almost every system within the US).  Highly recommend this book.

The Long Way Home by Louise Penny.  I had thought the Inspector Gamache Books were finished after How the Light Comes In.  Turns out, I was wrong!  As always, the Inspector Gamache books are an enjoyable read, with the right balance of mystery, depth, and avoidance of gore.

MadAddam by Margaret Atwood.  This was the end of a trilogy that started with Oryx and Crake about 10 years ago.  The series is science fiction/fantasy, looking at what may happen to our civilization if it continues on the current path we are on.  The beginning of the book was incredibly disturbing with a lot of violence (including violence against women).  However, once I got past the beginning, I enjoyed this book and found myself thinking about it for days after I finished it.

Big Little Lies by Lianne Moriarity.  This is a pretty popular book right now.  I didn’t like it.  Too much dysfunction and unhappiness.  Too many abusive relationships.  I don’t think I’ll read any more of Moriarity’s books.

The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell.  I loved this book.  I love Gladwell.  That’s all.

The Weed that Strings the Hangman’s Purse and I am Half-Sick of Shadows by Alan Bradley.  The Flavia de Luce mystery series is another one I really enjoy.  This are safe, fun reads I know I will like and good for those times when I don’t want to take a risk on a book.

Orange is the New Black by Piper Kerman.  I was hesitant to read this book when our book club chose it for the spring.  Turns out, I loved it.  The netflix show was a bit to graphic and over the top, and I was worried the book would be the same.  It wasn’t at all.  Turns out it was more about the state of the prison system and the subculture it creates than a fluffy comedic drama that’s made for TV.  I’ve thought about this book countless time since I’ve finished it.

The Orchid House by Lucinda Riley.  Meh.  Didn’t like this book.

Wild by Cheryl Strayed.  Curtis and I went to see the movie and I had a hard time liking the character of Cheryl Strayed in the movie.  I found I could relate to her and like her a lot more in the book.  I enjoyed this book, but didn’t love it.

Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker.  I love Jen Hatmaker.  This book didn’t challenge me as much of some her other writing and found a little bit of repetition between Interrupted and 7.  I still liked this book though.

Dragonfly in Amber by Diane Gabaldon.  This is the second book in the Outlander series.  This is the last book in the Outlander series that I will ever read.  The end.

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng.  Heartbreaking book.  I devoured this book on a plane (I can read on planes again!  Yippee!!).

Exploring Diabetes with Owls by David Sedaris.  Normally, I find Sedaris laugh out loud hilarious.  This book I found more bittersweet–the funny stories seemed tinged with sadness and longing.  I think it could easily have been the mood I was in while I read it.  My favorite stories were the ones in which he invented new characters.

Seasons

In recent years, I’ve become more and more aware of the phrase, “Seasons of Life.”  It never dawned on me when I was young and in college that life could be described seasonally.  It was more linear then.  Seasons implies a cyclical nature– times of dying and hibernation, times of dormancy, times of growth, and times of just surviving the heat (at least that’s our Central Texas season).

What brought about this seasonal introspection?

I was laughing at myself this past week about my former struggle with acedia.  Acedia, I thought.  What a novel and somewhat appealing problem to have, I reflected as I watched my week become fuller and fuller until I was sure it would all over flow.  What is it like to not know how to fill my time? I wondered as I debated if the laundry would really get washed (much less folded and put away) and groceries would ever be bought.  Time for restlessness and searching seemed luxurious as I wondered if I could grade papers at the boy’s baseball game of if that was being a “bad mother.”

Gentleness.

There’s my word for the year again.  As I was chastising and mocking myself with my struggle with acedia back with the littles were actually little, I remembered my word.

All of which brought me to my seasonal introspection.

While I can’t quite ever remember being quite this “busy” before (and trust me, I am not wearing busy as a badge of honor.  On me, the word “busy” burns more like the scarlet letter), I have had seasons of my life when I juggled many things.  I look back on my year of teaching when I was pregnant with Madeleine and working on my National Board of Professional Teaching Standards certification and wonder how in the world I sat for a 3 hour essay test when I was 35 or 36 weeks pregnant.  I remember that picture I have of me sitting on the couch nursing Madeleine while I graded papers.    I remember rushing out of school to pick her up in time for daycare and using any spare moment I had at school to pump.  How in the world did I do that?

The season of just surviving the heat

When Madeleine was a year old and I had just gotten pregnant with John, I quit teaching and started working for Curtis.  I struggled a bit that nine months with who I was now that I longer taught and with crazy, crazy pregnancy hormones.  Many tears were shed.  What had I lost by quitting in teaching?  What was my purpose in life?  What gave me meaning?  Where did all my friends go (work friends in particular who were now on a completely different schedule than myself)?

The season of dying and hibernation.

What a sharp contrast to when I no longer worked.  I scheduled my days, I craved routine because when it was just me and John and Madeleine, there didn’t seem to be a lot of routine.  Monday’s were laundry days.  Thursday was our play date day.  Friday was cleaning day.  Wednesday was grocery day.   I had a schedule for what I would deep clean each Friday, just so I had some schedule.

The season of dormancy.

I spent a lot of time those years at home learning.  I read books and books on cooking.  I tackled complex baking projects and cooking projects because I desired to do something with my brain besides watching PBS Kids and trying to answer Madeleine’s constant barrage of questions. “What’s under the road, Mommy?” was asked every.single.time we got into the car.  I started digging deeply into my faith, strengthening my faith practices, learning more about the Bible and Bible history.  I started a food blog and a blog about how many family was growing for my out of state relatives who could only watch my children change from afar.  I started writing here, realizing I may have something to say that others wanted to listen to.

The season of growth.

Here I am again.  Back in the season of just surviving the heat.  That nice long season of growth that intermingled with the seasons of dying/hibernation and dormancy I have found is helping to sustain me.  I’ve done spring season with soccer, baseball, and soon to be added swimming enough years to know the overlap is short lived.  I can do it, even with extra time challenges this year.  Those years I spent collecting recipes on food blog provides me with many, many quick and easy recipes—recipes I can make ahead and freeze, or put in the crockpot before a game or practice and have a meal when we get home.  I’ve mastered the 45 minute meal (30 minute meal is a mythical creation, like a Yeti, a leprechaun, or dragons) that incorporates lots of vegetables from our CSA box.

Those years of praying and reading also help me get through the long heat.  I know now, this is but a season.  I thought the season of my children being young would never pass.  It has.  My baby will be six in April.  Six.  He just participated in his first Math Pentathlon tournament, is learning how to read, and will be done with kindergarten in June.  I’m not quite sure how this has happened.  I thought acedia would torment me forever.  Not so.  My seasons of dying, hibernation, and dormancy have taught me how to thrive when things are changing–find time to read occasionally, find a close, small group of friends that let me drop in and out of their lives as my schedule allows, and continue to look for things to add to my ever growing thankful list.

I am gentler with myself now.  I’ve given myself (our family) permission to just not do everything, whether it’s skipping the math pentathlon awards or missing children’s choir rehearsals and an occasional Sunday morning church.  Sometimes I’m particularly whining about what is withering under this hot summer sun.  The next morning, though, I wake up and see the flowers that still linger from the spring and beauty that comes from heat.

Before I know it, the season will pass, whether it is due to the age of my children, the years of teaching experience I have collected again, or eventually retirement.  It is well.  It is well.  All manner of things are well.